THE FIRST FIVE APPARITIONS
During the nights of the 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th and 18th February, 1876
Written on the 21st and 26th of February, 1876
Pardon me, O my God, if I write these lines; I do so in a spirit of obedience, and if they tend to the glory of Thy Blessed Mother I shall be only too happy. Grant, O my God, that this act of obedience may help to expiate my sins.
During the nine months that I was ill I suffered much, not only in body, but also in mind.
I can never describe all my heart endured. I could not resign myself to die, and leave behind me my father and mother and a little orphan niece I had reared, of all of whom I was the only support; still, every hour of the day I repeated: "My God, may Thy holy will be done." Then, again, realizing the approach of death, my heart would revoke the words uttered by my lips. I got no rest, either night or day.
God is a good Father, but He must have all or nothing. The three last attacks of my illness took place with scarcely any intermission. He made use of them to recall me to His service. As I suffered intensely, my master and mistress did everything in their power to get me some relief. They called in again the doctors who had declared that I was incurable. I heard them say: "She cannot recover. She will die during one of these spasms." I owe a great deal of resignation to my mistress, for she often said to me: "My poor Estelle, you have been in so much suffering for such a length of time, it would be far better for you if God took you to Himself, for there is every reason to believe you can never recover." Then I would reflect over her words. I would weep and say: "What will become of my parents?" The day that I received Extreme Unction I became more calm and, after Holy Communion,! repeated several times: "My God, thou knowest better than I what is good for me; do with me as Thou pleasest; only enable me to make my sacrifice generously." This time I spoke from the very depths of my heart, and God heard my prayer. When the attack was over I felt a little better, and hope began to revive in my heart, but it was not destined to remain there long. After a few days I was worse than ever. This time, however, I was no longer dissatisfied; my only wish was to die well, and in my greatest suffering I often said: "My God, in expiation of my sins, let me suffer, Behold, I am ready, strike as it shall please Thee; only give me courage, patience, and resignation to Thy holy will. If groans escape from my lips, deign to receive them as prayers from my heart to Thine." After a few days I grew weaker still; I could no longer pray. My sacrifice was made, and I asked for nothing more. The Blessed Virgin interceded for me, and it is with sincere gratitude and profound humility that I relate the favors she has bestowed upon me. I am most unworthy of the favors I have received through her intercession, and after all my ingratitude she ought to have abandoned me rather than have favored me so highly. Let all who read these lines be convinced of one truth: that it was not on account of any merit of mine that the Blessed Virgin obtained my cure from her Divine Son. Far from it; it was that many might know we have a good mother who watches over us and intercedes for us. What return can I ever make to her for all she has done for me?
For five successive nights I gazed upon the same enchanting vision. On the night of the 14th to the 15th, that is to say, between Monday and Tuesday, I was very ill. I am not quite sure whether I was asleep or not at the time of the vision. I was trying to get some rest, when suddenly the demon appeared at the foot of my bed. He was horrible, and at once began to make grimaces at me. Scarcely had I perceived him when Our Blessed Lady appeared on the other side at the corner of my bed. She wore a pure white woollen veil, which fell in three folds. I can never describe how beautiful she was! Her features were regular; her color, white and rose-tint, rather pale. Her large, gentle eyes reassured me somewhat, but not completely; for the demon, perceiving the Blessed Virgin, drew back, dragging the curtain and the iron rod of my bed. This increased my terror, which became unendurable. I crouched down in my bed. He did not speak, but turned his back to me. Then the Blessed Virgin said to him sharply: "What brings you here? Do you not see that she wears my livery, and that of my Son?" He disappeared, gesticulating. Then she turned to me and said gently: "Fear nothing; you are my daughter."
Then I remembered that from the age of fourteen I had been a Child of Mary ("Enfant de Marie"). I now felt less fear. She said to me gently: "Have courage, be patient; my Son will allow Himself to be prevailed upon; you will suffer five days longer, in honour of the five wounds of my Son. On Saturday you will be either dead or cured. If my Son restores you to life, I wish you to publish my glory." I was so taken by surprise that I quickly replied: "But how can I do it? I who am so insignificant, I know not what I can do." Immediately I saw between her and me a slab of white marble, which I recognized as an ex-voto. I said to her: "But my good Mother, where shall it be placed? Is it in Notre-Dame des Victoires at Paris, or at Pellevoisin?" She did not give me time to finish the word Pellevoisin. She replied: "At Notre-Dame des Victoires they have sufficient proofs of my power, whereas at Pellevoisin they have none. They require a stimulus." She then remained a few minutes silent. I cannot explain what I felt. I trembled, and yet I was very happy. I promised her to do all that was in my power for her glory. She then said to me: "Have courage; I wish you to keep your promise." And then all disappeared. I continued gazing a long time, but saw nothing more that night.
The second night the demon reappeared, and again I was overwhelmed with fear. He remained, however, a little farther away from me. Almost at the same time the Blessed Virgin appeared, and said to me: "Do not be afraid; I am here. This time my Son has allowed Himself to be prevailed upon. He grants you life. On Saturday you will be cured." I replied all at once: "But, my good Mother, if I had my choice, I would prefer to die, now that I am well prepared." Then the Blessed Virgin said to me, smiling: "Ungrateful one, if my Son restores you to life, it is because it is necessary for you. What has He given to man on earth more precious than life? In restoring you to life, do not believe you will be exempt from suffering; no, you will suffer; you will not be free from sorrow. This is what makes life meritorious. If my Son has allowed Himself to be prevailed upon, it is on account of your resignation and your patience. Do not, by the choice you now make, deprive yourself of it. Have I not told you if He restores you to life you will publish my glory?" The white marble slab was there, and beside it as much fine white paper as equalled it in thickness, which seemed a great quantity. I tried to lift up a few sheets of the paper, but I could not do so. The Blessed Virgin looked at me with a smile while I was doing so, but then saying, "Look at your past life," her face grew sad, though still retaining its sweetness of expression. I am still covered with confusion at the faults I have committed, although to my own eyes they appeared only slight ones. But I will be silent about what the Blessed Virgin said to me on this subject. I shall merely say that she reproved me severely, as, indeed, I deserved. I would have longed to cry out for pardon, but could not; my grief overcame me; I felt stunned. The Blessed Virgin looked kindly at me, and then, without speaking again disappeared. Oh, how sad I felt.
The third and fourth nights I again saw the demon, but he kept so far off that I could scarcely distinguish his gestures. The third night the Blessed Virgin said: "Come, take courage, my child." As she spoke, her reproaches of the preceding night recurred to my mind. I felt terror and I trembled. She again reproved me about other matters, but so sweetly that I felt reassured. Then she said: "All this is passed. By your resignation you have expiated these faults." Then she pointed out to me some good works I had performed. They were, in deed, very few beside my faults. The Blessed Virgin perceived my trouble, for she said to me: "I am all-merciful, and the mistress of my Son. These good works and some fervent prayers have touched my mother s heart. Among others, that little letter you wrote to me in the month of September. What moved me was the phrase, 'See the sorrow of my parents. If I fail them they are on the eve of begging their bread. Remember, then, what thou didst suffer when thy Son Jesus was stretched out upon the Cross.' I have shown that letter to my Son. Your parents have need of you; for the future try to be faithful. Do not lose the graces which are given to you, and publish my glory."
The fourth night resembled the preceding ones, and each night I again saw all the words she had said to me previously. This night, however, it appeared to me that she remained a shorter time with me. I wished to ask her for graces, but could never do so. I was so confused by the rapidity of my thoughts I read in my mind the words which the Blessed Virgin had reported to me: "Fear nothing, you are my daughter; my Son is touched by your resignation." Her reproaches for my faults when she said: "I am all-merciful, and the mistress of my Son." These words: "Take courage, be patient and resigned, you will suffer, you will not be exempt from sorrow, try to be faithful. I wish that you should publish my glory." All these and several other things passed rapidly before me, but how, I cannot explain. I both saw and heard, however, perfectly. How came it that while Our Blessed Lady was there looking at me, she who is so good and gentle, that I always felt unable to ask her anything? She disappeared, as on the preceding nights, repeating: "You will publish my glory." I once more tried to ask her how, but had not time. She replied as she left me: "Make every effort."
The fifth night, from Friday to Saturday, was not altogether the same. The Blessed Virgin did not remain at the foot of my bed. She approached to the middle of my curtains. My God, how beautiful she was! She remained a long time silent and motionless, standing, in the midst of a clear vapour. If it be only a dream, why cannot it last forever? After a long silence she looked at me. I know not how I felt I was so happy. She was smiling. She reminded me of my promises. I once more saw the marble slab, but this time it was no longer white. In the four corners there were golden rose-buds. In the highest part a golden heart emitting flames, transpierced with a sword, and surrounded by a crown of roses. These words were inscribed on it:
"I called upon Mary in anguish and pain; From her Son she obtained for me health once again."
Estelle.
I promised her again to do all in my power for her glory. She said to me: "If you wish to serve me be simple, and let your actions correspond with your words." I asked her if in order to serve her it were necessary to change my state of life? She replied: "One can be saved in every state. Where you are you can do a great deal of good, and you can publish my glory. What afflicts me most is the want of respect shown by some people to my Divine Son in the Holy Communion and the attitude taken for prayer, when, at the same time the mind continues occupied with other things. I say this for people who pretend to be pious." After these words she resumed her smiling look. I asked her if I should repeat what she had said immediately. The Blessed Virgin answered: "Yes, yes; publish my glory, but before doing so, await the advice of your confessor and director, for people will endeavour to entrap you. They will treat you as a visionary, as a person of disordered imagination, as a fool, but pay no attention to all that; be faithful to me; I will assist you." I gazed long upon her, my eyes would never weary of beholding her, but at length she disappeared gradually from my sight. Never had I seen anything so beautiful. By degrees she vanished, till only the soft light which had surrounded her remained. This, too, soon faded away, and all disappeared. At this time I suffered fearfully, while my heart beat so violently that I thought it would leap out of my bosom. I was in great pain, but I recollect holding my rosary in my left hand, having lost the use of the right.
I offered my sufferings to Almighty God. I did not know that they were the last of that illness. After having rested a little I felt quite well. I asked what time it was. It was half-past twelve in the morning. I felt that I was cured, with the exception of my right arm, the use of which I did not regain until after I had received Holy Communion, Oh, what thanksgiving do I not owe to thee, my good heavenly Mother." My heart can never thank thee sufficiently. Supply thyself all that is wanting to me. Estelle.
On to the July Apparitions.Reproduced from Public Domain Material.
| Gareth Leyshon: | Personal Page | * | Qualifications | * | Public Talks | * | Disclaimer |
